If you’re like me, an hour in group doesn’t always feel like enough time to really dig in deep and delve into the good stuff. This one needs to go to the bathroom. That one can’t stop fidgeting. This one refuses to open up because profound conversations are for losers. And that one refuses to stop talking because everything is a crisis.
Creating a space that feels safe enough to inspire your few to trust you takes time. Fortunately for you, that safe “space” doesn’t have to be relegated to your little circle of chairs in the corner. Your relationship with God isn’t confined to a building, so why should relationships with your few be any different?
A few years ago, I bought notebooks for each of my small group girls. On the first page, I wrote personal notes, passed them out the next time I saw the girls, and told them that if they should ever feel the need to talk to me beyond the scope of our weekly hour together, then they could write me. They could write as much or as little about whatever they wanted, and I promised that I would write them back.
The notebooks came in steadily for a few weeks, but two months later, I was only receiving notebooks back from one of my girls—one out of ten or so. My quick response was to feel a little slighted that the girls weren’t taking advantage of my obviously brilliant idea, but I got over it. They were girls with better things to do with their time. Additionally, I was getting pages and pages of “I need to talk about. . .” from the one girl who was still writing me consistently, so it kind of made up for the lack of notebooks from everyone else.
Ashley and I wrote back and forth for months. She wrote about everything. The day to day kind of stuff didn’t make for riveting reading, but it let me see inside her head. And there were also questions about faith and doubt, struggles with self-worth and purpose, musings on how she was so different from her mother and how she was kind of okay with that but also wished that wasn’t the case. I responded to the day to day stuff and the deep God stuff. Before the notebooks, I knew her on a surface level because it was all I’d seen. By the end of the first notebook—yes, there were several—I knew her better than any of my other girls.
One hour of weekly small group time may not be the place for your few to delve into the things on their mind, and that’s okay. A foundation of safe space culture had been build, and she was eager to take advantage of it albeit in an unusual way. Notebooks and letter writing take time. And not every kid is going to be interested. But letting your few know that you’re interested in them beyond group is huge, and a safe space can absolutely be found in a spiral bound notebook.
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This is a great idea Adriana! I have seen this done before at my old church with middle school girls. The idea of a “safe place” in something so tangible is very creative. My response question would be: Have you ever dealt with this girl writing things that were borderline “the three hurts”? If so, what was your response to that? Were parents involved?
As a preteen pastor, I want to know how you can encourage leaders to do this, but also teach them to be aware that when you create a safe place for students, these sensitive things might come up.
Great article!
Hi, Daniel!
I love that there are other people trying this. I found it to be really useful (at least for the ones who participated in it. Haha).
I don’t recall ever reading anything that was particularly close to those serious kinds of hurts in the context of the notebooks, but we did let our kiddos know that there were certain topics and certain kinds of information that we were required to share with parents if we heard about it. So they were always aware of that possibility, but we wrapped it up in a whole lotta love! Serious stuff did come up, and it was dealt with in the proper way. But it just so happens that it never came up in the notebooks. If it had, we would’ve treated it in the same way as we would’ve in a face to face conversation.
If you tell, I have to tell. But man oh man, do I love you, and if you’re telling me something serious, it’s because you trust me with something fragile. So I just ask that you continue to trust me as I do my best to guard and handle what you’ve trusted me with.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Daniel!
This is such a great idea! I’ve known parents to do it but not necessarily small group settings… Brilliant!
Hey, Jackie! So interesting to hear about parents doing this. I’ve never thought about it being used in that context. I actually got the idea from a public speaking teacher in high school, and “Tuesday Cards” with her really did become a highlight of the week. So I was eager to implement it with my small group girls! Thanks for reading.